Charming/ Goodbye best friend.

My eyes were puffy in the morning, but it’s been 24 hours now and I’m a lot more intact than last time. At the end of negotiations, he asked if I was going to be okay. Of course. This is life, and I always hold myself close. I learned a long time ago I could only let myself choose to rely upon someone, not need to. I liked choosing to rely upon him. I felt safe with him. I had fun with him.

But I asked him if we could date again, and it was like a conversation preserved in amber. He needs to face himself and I need to grow. I told him, I try to be flexible—that I felt I was only asking for something small. It was bigger to him.

He wants to be friends, but I don’t want restrictions. I don’t want a demotion. I don’t want to not know him the same. I don’t want to eventually watch him move on with someone else. I don’t want to only talk sometimes. I want it to be the same.

So, as natural as we are, it doesn’t work. I tried and I tried, but I can’t cry like this four months from now.

He’s hopeful. The only agreement we could reach is he can reach out to me when he needs me or if he can meet me where I want to be. I promised I would respond, but I told him he needed to take me for my word, that we won’t be friends. I think I think this is the end. I just know that, inevitably, we move forward, and time always brings change. We will be growing, apart.

I am going to miss him a lot.

All the conversations always ended the same: us prolonging the call as long as possible, not wanting to say goodbye.