Nobody Asked Me If I Was Okay

I want to remove myself.

I guess I could have said something, but what would it have done? I rarely say anything. Usually, there’s no point. The outcome rarely changes, and if the outcome does not even waver, that’s worse. Why would I want to be the reason I feel worse? It’s so much easier to blame other people.

Tonight, I drove to and from a movie. Outside my friend’s apartment, after mentioning another get-together I have not been invited to, they said “Sorry about the other night.” They then explained that it was supposed to be a particular night, the implication of which is that I should have never been clued in, given the go-ahead at all. I don’t feel like that’s something you say to a friend.

I said we didn’t need to talk about it. Politely, I don’t want to talk about this.

I could have said, “Thanks. That actually really sucked.” or “Honestly, I don’t understand why that happened how it did. Am I not an equal friend?” or “I felt so rejected, and this is probably irreparable damage to our friendship.” I didn’t.

If I say anything, either I am forcing people to invite me somewhere they don’t want to, or I am going to hear harsh answers that will hurt me further.

So, I want to remove myself. I want to abdicate. I want to move on.