Silly Plights Part Two.

I imagine my friend asking to talk about last night. I imagine saying, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not mad at you, as the messenger, but I felt rejected and I already deal with that a lot anyway. So, I don’t want to talk about it.” I don’t know what I imagine after that. She probably respects what I said and we move on, and I feel even more lonesome.

I know it doesn’t work like this, but sometimes I just want life to take my side. Always the monkey shoved off the bed. I could change and sometimes I do, but it is always the same outcome. Life is so cyclical, and people always perceive me the same. Projections of how people see me always return to the same. However I was slotted into life, it is inconvenient for everyone else. Unfortunately, that means it is inconvenient for me too. I am who I am, despite growing up.

Where I work, we are together all the time. We commiserate all the time. A lot of us are friends. A few months ago, I stepped back from someone after an incident where I felt they shrugged accountability. At the time, she was someone people were split about, and witnesses agreed with me. She’s had an upswing since. Ultimately, I do not want that taken from her, but why do I feel like that’s a double loss for me? Bad things happen to me, and I deal with them. I take it and I deal with it, but somehow my attitude does little to help. Sometimes it feels like throwing a tantrum would work better in the long run. Maybe I’m somewhere in the middle.

If the universe can’t take my side, can I at least see the ticker tape of my life? Is it me or is it them? I don’t want a palm reading. I want objectivity. I want objectivity, but I want to preserve delusion. Just not my own.