Paranoia, Tied to the Mast

There’s no good way to say anything. There’s no good way for us to communicate. No questions or protests, no one asked why I didn’t come. No one denied I am a backup. No one said anything to make it better. Even when I’ve tried to say it is not.

I guess I had been hopeful with blind trust. I guess no one cares to be uncomfortable.

“I don’t want to be invited like that, especially after what happened last weekend.” / “You know it wasn’t my event.”

“She didn’t speak to me for a week.” / Because she lost 20 Questions.

Then, I was invited again. Not scripted, but it could have been. A shadow hovers, a devil on the shoulder whispering, “what you do next will be your final play.” Jokes of friendship crossing a boundary with little proof of substance. Maybe that’s denial.

My fortune cookie today read: SEEK FRIENDSHIP AND YOU WILL FIND IT.

Update: The conversation was two sentences. “We need to drive together tonight because I have both of your tickets.” / “Okay.” The night after that, the day I wrote this, I went to the movies with two people, one involved. Dinner table conversation afterward was about bad friendships and abandoned friendships and boundaries and loss of trust. I didn’t contribute.