Wasteland

My senior year of college, when I was so horribly depressed, a professor told me I needed to work harder. I don’t want to give her any credit because the way she approached me was so cruel I cried for days, opted to change the class to a pass/fail, and almost contacted the dean, but I do think about the sentiment a lot.

I cry a lot about how life is cyclical, why do the same casualties happen to me over and over again? I ask if I make the same mistakes. I try to mend what I want with what I can get. What I want and how that manifests.

I lay around in bed. I think about running. I think about writing. I think and I cry and I call my mom and I justify myself and she picks from one of three options in response: 1. What if you’re wrong? 2. I’m sorry (and a pep talk I cut off and get angry about) 3. I’m too busy. Pity and disappointment in others are essentially the second option, and my mom has never been generous with those emotions. She will afford anyone else the benefit of the doubt, but the last two years, I have received a lot of pity–more than I can remember at any other time in my life.

Tonight I wrote in physical copy, I’m really sad my birthday is in a month and that because I don’t want to be alone, I have to spend it with these people. Tonight, I made a guest list and I bolded the names of the people I feel genuinely invested in and happy to see. It was half the list.

I recognize the problem.

Unfortunately, that is the truth. I would rather spend my birthday with people I don’t like than feel the void of not having people there. I don’t think I can stand another year to pass where I feel like I don’t get to celebrate because I am stuck with my uptight parents or sick or don’t have access to the right space. I always just want to have a party, and if that means for appearance's sake there are people I don’t trust, then that is the pill I swallow this time.

Prescient both because of far more important things happening in the world that are beyond my silly emotions, and because life is cyclical. I think of a quote that it technically political, that I first referenced a lot after an earlier breakup.

“It says that I can only advocate for what I can get, not what I want.”

I criticize people a lot for caring about frivolous judgments and displays, but I don’t think I’m any better. I watched movies and browsed the internet and also decided I wanted a certain slice of life. It’s either hard to explain articulately or tacky, I couldn’t tell you which. What I can say is I don’t think my wants and experiences align. I think that whenever I pursue what I think I want, I find people I don’t like, and when I find people I like, it’s a life I don’t want. The kismet success of attaining both has only ever been temporary, but maybe that’s how it is for most people. I can’t tell from the movies.