Sentimental

How many times can I talk about crying? A few times more.

I miss him still, a lot. I wish I could shake it.

He wants to be friends, and I still want him. There’s an impasse and I’m passive-aggressive about it. I keep being passive-aggressive about a lot of things. I don’t like the things I say as I say them.

I would skip all the parties and game nights to be with him in his gray studio apartment. I wouldn’t feel like I was missing out. He would try to get me to watch Suits, and I would say no because it feels too intimate now. It feels too intimate to imitate the ease of being together. All I want is access to that, but we said goodbye to that in July. It is so easy to pick up where we left off, but we are never picking up where we left off.

So, sometimes still, talking to him makes me sad. I vie for his attention, all too much (and more than he tries for mine), and then when he recognizes me, when we slip, I shock into mourning the moment. I can’t prolong this much longer.

And he sees me, and he keeps going as normal. I don’t resent that.

And he saw me yesterday, and he left as normal, and I felt the grief I do. He walked out on the phone, stopped for a second to say goodbye, saw me, and circled back. He pointed to the box of tissues on the desk, and I kept ushering him to leave. He said sorry. He called me when I left work. He asked if I was okay because suddenly, it felt intense. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it.

I can’t prolong this much longer.