"Our Position"

I don’t think we can be friends anymore.

I don’t think I can be friends with my roommates. I don’t think I can be friends with him. I don’t know how long I’ll know my friends from work.

No one stays forever. What am I supposed to do?

I keep trying to communicate, and they essentially tell me that from their position, “our position is,” the burden is mine to lift. They don’t knock on each other’s doors every night and never on mine. They don’t stop talking when I enter the room or try to join them. They don’t need to make an effort.

They do knock on each other’s doors every night, and never mine. They close their doors and I am left to listen to them giggle for hours. They often leave the room after I join the conversation. Tonight, I sat in the living room where I was told I was always welcome, and they went to one of their rooms and never returned.

She never responds to my texts, even though I have explained so many times that I need her to communicate with me. When I do try to communicate–because someone has to try–they either don’t care to comprehend or they don’t listen. I told them about my hours being cut at work, and their solution was to ask me to spend money three separate times within 48 hours. In general, they either don’t care or don’t want to.

When I last tried to speak to them, and all the times before, they fell into a good cop bad cop routine. Much like my former roommates. Much like my former and current friends. Bad cop was so clearly, visibly annoyed that I had anything to say at all. Within the week, when I was trying to include myself, she asked “Why do get to be the one to choose?”

She clearly feels one way, good cop will always choose her, and I can’t try forever. Even if they don’t realize it or even if they blame me, I don’t think they will ever understand how hard they are to be friends with. I don’t think they really are my friends anymore.

Maybe it’s not enough, but maybe I am doing my best.