I like you too much for that.

New Year’s Boy and I broke up 6 months to the day, which is exactly a week ago today (from when I began to draft). I haven’t told most of my friends. We still have tickets to see Oppenheimer and Barbie together release weekend.

I knew we had been different. He knew I knew. I thought we had more time.

No more ease, and now I’m sad. I told him I’m sad. He’s sad too. I let myself have one big day of crying. I called out of work and I took a bath at 8 AM. I watched (500) Days of Summer. I laid in bed. I ate apricots.

Today, I sat in Echo Lake Park, getting a sunburn, and watching the ducks climb over the ropes. Up and over. I cried as my friends talked about makeup, thinking about how we had a really good date there earlier this year.

I think about how I’m about to move and have a housewarming party. I think about how he’ll be invited because he’s part of a larger group and I don’t feel like being dramatic, but I’ll have to stay away. I’ll have to watch him talk to other people. I’ll have to watch him leave our job. How there’ll be a day where we’ll see each other for the last time and not know.

I think about how I used to want to have a New Year’s Eve wedding (in general), and now that feels useless. I think about how I want to see his name appear in my notifications, but how I can’t invest anymore of my emotions into him. I think about how I was holding my phone yesterday and I don’t know how, but it called him. He answered so casually, like nothing had changed. I miss him, but what’s the point.

I think about loving him, and I think that it’s not real because I never thought the words aloud.

I think about how I said to him last week that he only drinks with his other friends. Last night he had drinks with our other friends. I think about all the things I did that could have exacerbated the timeline, but also about how I can’t change anything.

I think about immortalizing our conversations, the small details of our relationship, in writing, but I know they’re too impactful and too intimate for me to recount them accurately. I think about how those details will be lost to time and I will be sad when I realize I can no longer remember them.

I think about how I’m sad for him. I wish I hadn’t earlier on made jokes about “being more of a person.”

When we spoke the next day he said he had been concerned about me. I told him that negates the point.

I had my one big day of crying though.

I have been alone and happy, I have built my friendships, and I will be okay.

I think about him now, but someday he will be someone I watch on screen. I will be so happy for him if he’s happy, but right now, he feels pressures that I don’t.

It’s just something that didn’t work out.